My body is a temple.. I am exempt from taxation.
08:49 
No, i don’t do “parkour”
I’m afraid i’ll fall off a building and hurt my vagina
20:09
Golden retriever girl
17:59
Our lil Johnny Dee, my special eyes, my philosopher (007) 💕
11:19
How to be hot boy?🔥♂️ Stop posting gymbro selfies, instead:
- Post shirtless pic of you taking the bins out.
- blurry pic holding reclaimed timber
(doesn’t matter if it’s stolen. uterus pings “he owns tools”) - de-icing windshield. no gloves. 🚫🧤
- video of you painting a wall wrong
(she’ll imagine fixing your technique & your life) - grey sweatpants
- combine emotional vacancy w/ the haunted eyes of someone who just fixed a sink.
- wear hi-vis & hold wrench
(feral female brain sees ‘functional male’ & starts ovulating)
bonus points if you’re sweaty and doing something slightly wrong/dangerous but committed. we will imagine giving birth on your floor.
23:59
credit score bad. me pretty tho
21:39
Woodwose is 100% real and is my sleep paralysis boyfriend. He brings me pinecones
16:59
Electricity? ew. i burn sage for no reason, nutmeg grows abundantly where i live and we die at 27.
Checkmate, empire
21:59
me hurt again. me shop. buy goo. new cream. new self smell nice. old self weak. big hot now. enemy perish. girl win war with goo.
21:29
I don’t pay rent because i am the rent.
21:19
shave leg.🦵 tribe like. me get compliment. mind go gone. me strong. me hot. me slay. 💅
21:19
Need a summer lobotomy. Put the icepick in, babe. I want to feel what it’s like to be a spoon in a kitchen drawer again
10:29
Entropy tango.
09:39
He’s my rock. He’s the only one who understands me…
09:09
pain inside. girl sad. scroll app. me see shiny stick. 💄shiny stick make lip go pink. add to cart.
me buy rock. rock from moon. moon rock mean love self. 27.99.
22:59
“My wife left me and honestly? probably the British. she drank earl grey. Open your fkn eyes.”
22:29
infiltrated a guys with gyno who hate britain club.
22:19
“I’m not bitter I’m just aware. I’m just awake. Decolonizing my balls.”
22:19
“the Brits are responsible for everything bad, my dad left in 2002 and guess who invented time? Limeys.”
22:09
Lizard in Lululemon
14:49
MI6🚽 catches a suspicious goat🐐 doing terrorism💣👎 on the Uffington Horse🦄 now the government & NATO🤓🧻 wants to draft vloggers💃 & ‘community managers’👩💻 to fight‼️💪 in a province no one can pronounce.❓
Baddies conscripted via Twitch📺 to bring peace☮️🕊️ to somewhere that doesn’t exist on Google Maps.🗺️ They’re calling it “Operation Yummy Peace Revenge”✌️😌🌈🌍
09:29
Exfoliate my intenions. rinse the boy
08:19
I need a man who will look at me the way i look at chips that aren’t mine.
22:29
Hot but in like a cold war kinda way, you know? Like page 17 of a declassified PDF kinda vibe. Like, irradiated in utero during US government Operation Green Run kinda way and now your auntie’s jawbone can pick up AM radio and your grandad’s lungs can track wind patterns. Contaminated milk inside a lead-lined lunchbox in the shape of a woman kinda hot, you know?
23:39
Sweetie ur femininity stops at the clavicle. Body like Venus, brain like a vape.
Cursed internal firmware.
22:09
Siren in silk n stilettos, all blush n bone structure, but the energy is giving divorced discord dweeb.
DDD, xoxo.
22:19
Yes sir? You spanked?
08:49
People 😡: That bad! No fun allowed!
The shire horse 🐴: Clip clop eat hay. An honest days toil turning the deep soil with noble grace & bearing, straining to the sound of the gulls, in the wake of the deep plough. Ironclad hooves pounding the dust under tumbling skies, across acres glistening.
09:49
I can hansel your gretel.. whatever that means
11:39
Bank robbers are absolutely fine and cool in my book tbh
All forgiven, cutie
19:59
I don’t want to be loved, I want to be cured and hung in a dark cellar like a Cumberland Ham
17:49
*slutty flirt voice*
We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty..
16:29
I’m a modern kinda guy, babe…
I outsource all my thinking & opinions to polycythemic podcasters in their 40s.
16:19
You like my bikini? i’m an introvert.
08:29
13:19
Earth’s a cube.
13:19
Earth’s a babe. 🌍
13:09
Apparently Scribbins persuaded her old band to help her burn and loot an isolated village in California. They basically got the men & other individuals out of the little dung huts, whipped them and made every one left with working legs run sprint races, then shooed the women and children into a nearby caldera. Later we crossed paths. She’s in a better place now, mentally.
14:29
A particle is a wave disguising itself as solid matter only when we observe my boobs bounce when i walk
18:59
Hands up who likes me!
21:09
Wonder what she’s thinking
20:39
Lingerie is like sudoku for women
00:29
Snails have thousands of tiny teeth on a muscular tongue organ called a radula.
Some land snails shoot calcium love darts at potential mates.. bang bang!
Tiny lil snail darts that pierce the skin of she-snails and contain hormones that influence reproduction. 😍
14:19
Honey, I wish my pics were photoshopped
14:09
Johnny has no sagittal sutures. None. So lucky
10:29
One evening I was abducted by strange little aliens & they took me to their planet called “ikea” & I was transported there with thousands of other people many millennia ago last tuesday, & we were forced to assemble cheap shelving units & display cabinets with nothing but an instruction booklet.
17:19
Do you know the muffin man?
09:39
Impressive. Takes years of practice
23:19
On the US tour we saw Mothman buying 6 cans of Lilt and a garden gnome.
09:49
With chasteness
of seagulls
21:09
People w/ mass produced djembe souvenirs in their living room & strings of beads for doors.
That’s me, i’m people
09:39
You caught me, officer. I have weapons of mass seduction.
09:09
Banana slugs are so cute. 🍌
During copulation, banana slugs extend their notably large sausages into each other’s pores, allowing for mutual sperm exchange. Bilateral insemination.
An unusual aspect of this is “apophallation,” which occurs when their sausages become so big that they entangle, & cannot retract after copulation. In such cases, one slug may sever the other’s sausage by biting it off. Nom nom. The slug whose sausage is eaten will never ever again function as a coomer but is still capable of laying eggs. 🙂
19:19
Test tube ladies.
22:49
Speak it into existence, sister. Plant that seed. Reap the harvest
22:39
me cook boy stew. boy no eat. say me cook curse. boy leave. see other girl. stupid girl wear same shoe. now me hate shoe. girl hurt. girl talk to mirror. mirror say slay. me fix life with bath bomb. boy ghost. new man say cute. girl strong now. destroy village.
22:29
The only ælf to have dated colonel gaddafi
22:09
Johnny’s guitar noodles became popular around the village so we started busking together, copied some ditties onto floppy disk (with the word floppy scratched out & stiffy written on it) which we sold for 2 quid a week later. Everyone remembers that year as “the best ever.” We lost touch with Johnny when he left on some mystical pilgrimage for years until we saw his name appear on the Great British Bake Off credits.
12:09
Fee fi fo fum, sweetie
07:59
Step aside sevens.. a solid 9 has arrived.
23:59
Friends
About Me
👏Good day. My name is Juice Longshanks, Ph.D ⋆˚꩜｡
ASL: 3344/F/Avalon
6’9″, 244lbs, 30H
I’m the № 1 bass icon that follows the teachings of trees.
I live in my parent’s basement, but I am ok mentally.
I was born in the past, graduated from school (now bulldozed) with some grades in subjects.
I starred in the “Atomic Youth Video Game” for the Peruvian market, which subsequently released on Nintendo & Steam, but has not been repeated due to its radical & polemic content.
I played bass on Atomic Youth’s debut unreleased bootleg album during the mid-2010s, continued on it throughout the late-2010s, and on into the 2020s, then into the mid-2020s, and it has only now found a publisher brave enough to unleash its chilling portendings.
I brush my hair with a fork and i whisper to the woodlice.
Interests:
- Bass guitar, rollerblading, swimming, irony, ironing
Fav music:
- New Order, kors k, Charles Mingus, NIN, The Prodigy, Coltrane, Capsule, King Crimson, Sade, trash80, FSOL, Hideki Naganuma, Prince, RHCP, The Cure
Occupation:
- Honourary fellow, Go-go dancer (retired)
